Hello, spiritual seekers, sceptics, and people who clicked this by accident.

My name is Ken Lockwood, and I am the South West’s premier clairvoyant, according to a poll I conducted among three close friends.

I discovered my psychic gifts shortly after losing my job in… well, the details aren’t important. What is important is that I felt a calling. A tingling. A vibration.

(Which later turned out to be my phone on silent, but the moment still counts.)

Since then, I have dedicated my life to the mystical arts, completing Module 1 of the online course Become a Psychic in 24 Hours (certificate pending). I am also proud to say I have successfully contacted one ghost. Possibly two if you count the time I walked into a cobweb.

My mission?

To guide you.

To enlighten you.

To vaguely gesture at your future with confidence.

My Services

• (All services subject to availability, spiritual interference, and my lunch break.)

• Spirit Communication — Messages may be delayed due to paranormal traffic.

• Crystal Ball Readings — Crystal ball currently in the dishwasher.

• Past Life Insights — I once told a woman she used to be a pigeon.

• Aura Polishing — Bring your own cloth.

• Pet Psychic — Dogs only. Cats frighten me.

• Object Readings — Preferably not heavy objects. My back isn’t what it used to be.

Ah yes. The moment that changed everything.

It was a dark and stormy night. (It wasn’t, but this sounds better.)

I felt a presence. A chill. A whisper. I bravely called out, “Who goes there?” There was no reply.

Then I realised the window was open.

But THEN — a faint voice. A shimmer. A glow. I, Ken Lockwood, had made contact with a ghost. I apologised for interrupting its afterlife.

It apologised for interrupting my dinner. I offered it a reading. It declined.

I tried to charge it £10. It vanished through the wall in what I can only describe as a huff.

Since that day, I have been spiritually awakened. And slightly afraid of my hallway.